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Episode One: Episode
Two: Episode
Three: Episode Four
SITCOM: Hybrid:arts Take on the System
and the World
Episode 3
THEME: Hybrid:arts move premises. But it doesn’t exactly
run swimmingly…
J: This week, Hybrid:arts are on the move. They’re upping
sticks and setting up shop at Spencer Yard – heralded as the
new Cultural Quarter of Leamington. But first things first – they’ve
got to go through the obligatory BT drama before they actually move
anywhere.
Tim is in office on the phone to the notorious BT customer services
department.
BT: “I have to transfer you.”
Tim: “Where to?”
BT: “I don’t know, but I think its somewhere in England.”
Roll titles.
TechieGem walks into office and finds Stella hunched over a big
black book, smiling broadly.
TG: What’s up Stella?
S: (Sigh) I’m supposed to be doing budgets, but I
just can’t take any more Excel! So I’ve resorted to making
notes in ‘The Stylish Management of Permanent Notes’ book
in multicoloured pen. (Holds up book proudly/admiringly)
G comes in with the post
G: Morning everyone! The post plot thickens, I hate to tell you.
Today it looks like we’ve got an envelope addressed to Kirsty
Groves…who the hell is Kirsty Groves? Is there something you’re
not telling me?
S: Whoever she is, can she use Excel for me?
G: Probably not, seems as she’s fictional, but I’ve
learnt some tips over the years when it comes to budgets and Excel:
talking aloud comes in useful - as does the shredder.
S: Ah, yes! Quick, find the shredder!
G goes on a hunt for the shredder and relevant cables – which
takes a while, as G does not understand cables.
J: Stella defeats mathematics by turning budgets and numbers into
poetry.
S: ( reads out sums aloud in a musical tone)
Aitch comes into the office amidst the numerical poetry and does
the ring around ritual to see where the crew actually are – what
will be today’s imaginative excuses?
Aitch hangs up
A: Well, Nick is in Birmingham. Russell is in Coventry. John is
in Newquay. Naz has lost his phone. And Tez is in bed. Shrugs
resignedly.
T: That was pure poetry.
Shrill of telephone cuts into the air of poetical creativity,
which Tim picks up. After a while he hangs up.
T: Right, that was BT – we’re in!
Cut to Spencer Yard.
J: Don’t be mistaken folks – this is not actually a
building site. It is in fact Spencer Yard, the Acclaimed Cultural
Quarter of Leamington Spa. Although at the moment it could be mistaken
for a big building site. But this is all a clever front, I
assure you…
Staff are lugging bits of furniture, filing and a LOT of equipment
in and out of the building, being careful to avoid bits of rubble – which
is difficult to say the least. Tim is animated in the background,
having an argument with the BT guy. We are unable to record this
conversation for reasons of morality and censorship.
Whilst all this is going on, the girls are getting to know the
rest of the tenants at Spencer Yard over tea and biscuits in the
makeshift kitchen.
S: (shouting over the racket of drills etc) It just takes
a bit of imagination, doesn’t it?
Several days later…
Hybrid staff are surveying their new lair like war-beaten tigers
and tigresses after days of tireless hunting and fighting. (Must
be said in a David Attenborough-esque manner).
Paula is draped over the old sofa cradling a glass of water,
looking very tired. The Gemmas are slumped over their respective
desks. Stella is gazing out distractedly over the new spectacular
view of the River Leam.
S: It’s very calming isn’t it?
T: What is?! Says Tim, very flustered and surrounded by wires. I’d
say it was more dangerous at the moment!
Whole of office is covered in wires, falling about haphazardly
on the carpet.
G: It takes a lot of concentration to walk around this office!
It’s a bit like being on Krypton Factor…I always wanted
to go on Krypton Factor – I like it here!
Several days later – same scene…except there’s
a bit more furniture now.
Several weeks later – complete transformation!
J: It would seem that Spencer Yard has well and truly been given
the Changing Rooms treatment. Gone are the hazardous trailing wires
crawling about the carpet and walls like snakes - all of that has
been replaced by a serene atmosphere and impressive furniture, and
the staff are now beginning to reap the many benefits of the open
plan office.
TG: I feel like a caged tiger released! I’m so pleased not
to be holed up in that tiny dark editing room anymore! Woo hoo!
G: It’s so great to actually be able to see you as well!
I was starting to think you didn’t really exist. Like you were
a hologram or something.
TG: It’s ok Gem, I can assure you I’m real! (Pinches
herself for effect.)
J: Things have begun to settle down here at Spencer Yard, along
with the dust. Builders and photographers have come and gone, and
we have some surprise new arrivals. A pair of elephants seemed
to have arrived in the courtyard out of nowhere. Although it is
supposed to be a bench, no one has ever been spotted actually sitting
on it. Not entirely sure what it is supposed to represent, but
we are told it is a gift from the Council. A bit like the socks
you get at Christmas, when what you really wanted was a mountain
bike. Speaking of bikes, Hybrid:arts have customised their own,
employing an unsuspecting young work experience guy to cover a
pair of bicycles in hot pink vinyl. Very sexy, and environmentally
friendly! (the bikes, that is, just so we’re all clear…)
J: Back to business now – in the office, everyone is preparing
for the official launch. The Gemmas, Stella and drop-in artist Jenny
have got some kind of production line going on – all in the
name of corsages.
The ladies are sat around a collection of tables, surrounded
be a plethora of fur, flowers, fabric, glitter, sequins, ribbons,
scissors and staplers, not to mention a variety of crafty type
materials.
G: I feel like I’m in a drag queen’s boudoir. I’m
practically inhaling fake fur. The guests better appreciate these.
AJ: But it’s such fun! exclaims Jenny, as exuberant as
ever, stapling a fisherman to a piece of felt, as you do.
J: Tiny fishermen, ballerinas and plastic fish are just part of
a normal day in the life of Hybrid:arts
TG: Oh my, the carpet is now purple.
S: Ooh yes so it is, it looks all the better for it! And it coordinates
very nicely with the kitchen wall.
G: Hey, what’s that noise? Cranes ear towards door I
think it’s coming from the music studio…but I thought
it was just Tim and Dave Hirons in there, having a meeting.
J: Members of the further education community regularly come in
and jam on Hybrid’s guitars, post-meeting.
Dave and Tim are both perched on stools playing guitars and wisely
ignoring the pile of paperwork they’ve cast aside on the adjacent
table.
Skip several days in a big hectic stressed blur to the day of the
launch, where everyone in the building is running around, much like
headless chickens, to some comedy music. But not Benny Hill, because
that is annoying.
Paula and the Gemmas are beautifying themselves in the ladies,
which is difficult and rather unglamorous, and not to mention quite
stressful, as the guests have already started to arrive and G is
supposed to be ready and waiting on the door, armed with a table
of corsages.
G: So it hasn’t exactly gone entirely to plan – but
you know what they say about the best plans. Rushes out of toilets
and stations herself on the door with a smile, greeted by slightly
bemused guests who become rather confused and pushy when faced with
the table of corsages. It’s a bit like sale day at House of
Fraser or Next – hell.
J: But after the initial kerfuffle, everything pretty much goes
to plan and the launch is considered an all round success – phew!
And I think it’s best that we leave on this high note. Until
next time folks, stay special.
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